SIMPLY SINGLE, SIMPLY SHE!

Oh, how the yearning heart aches! Remember when you were a teenager and you were broken-hearted over yet another unrequited love? Just think of all that would have been lost if you had dated and married him. You would not have been so free to go to all the places or meet as many incredible people as you have.

Consider all the good works God has done in your life; You have changed so much over the last few years, you’ve developed God’s beating heart for the poor, the unsaved. You’ve learned how to forgive, you’ve learned (and are still learning) how to put others before yourself. You needed to discover these things before you date, and you still have much more to learn.

If you want to enter into another, or first meaningful relationship, (the keyword here is meaningful) you need to be comfortable with who you are, and with being alone, even before you go searching for a partner in life.

Before you start a meaningful relationship, you have to learn to love yourself. Until you can do that, you wouldn't be able to love someone else. If you want real love, then you need to have enough self confidence and self respect to unconditionally accept the other person for who they are. That doesn't mean you have to be conceited, just that you respect and trust yourself, while accepting the fact that you are imperfectly perfect. A side benefit to this is that you will be more relaxed and comfortable around other people, and so are more likely to attract members of the opposite sex.

This is a thing: if you’re a single lady in your 30s or 40s, especially here in Africa, you can feel like you’ve missed a steaming big ship. Dominant discourse sadly goes like this: The pickings are slim; it’s all second rounds and baggage and receding hairlines. And it can feel helpless. Hopeless. Because you just can’t find people who can foot the bills, or who inspire something in you. Where are all the good men? They’ve been taken, you reason. You’ve missed the ship.

Whether you honestly feel this way in your more grounded moments or not, this is how your plight is often represented. But, I have another take; it goes like this…

By the time you’re in your late 20s, in your 30s or 40s, your life is pretty ace. Most of us aim at least to improve our lives year by year, otherwise, what’s the point? And by this settled age, life is often in a pretty good spot, or at least, better and richer than it was in your early 20s: great friends, a career with up to 20 years back-end development, enough money to be able to not have to live off lentils and all-you-can-eat-Tuesday buffets, and to head to the pictures once in a while. You’re not frantically proving yourself. Perhaps you no longer work weekends. Maybe you finally feel you’re quite good at what you do. You know what hobbies make you happy. You don’t stay at parties any longer than you want to. You're well grounded in your faith in God. You know who you are. You get the picture!

In an ideal world, your partner should improve your life, not detract from it. Right? If a partner is making your life more difficult, and not not adding to your experience, then you probably shouldn’t be with them. Yea?

In your late 20s, in your 30s and 40s, your standards for finding a partner are super elevated. Your personal bar for allowing anything or anyone into your orbit should be lifted with each passing year, just as a course of nature. In your teens or early 20s, it's pretty easy for someone to add to your life because it isn’t fully formed. When you start dating in your teens or early 20s, you are building from a pretty low base together with your partner. But when you allow yourself fully mature, your life would be rich and varied and independent and fun and full. Your life would be too good for many men to be able to reach your personal bar. Or to be able to add to your fuller cup. It’s the logical truth of the matter, not flattery.

And it’s not that a partner should exist to “complete” you. And my point is, "singledom" doesn’t have to be a tragedy. Most of you are single simply because your life is really rather good.

If you can be comfortable with being alone, and with who you are, the next stage will probably take care of itself. You have to be careful not to search too desperately for love, but instead, you should just be open to it. Don't fall in love with being in love. Enjoy being single. Make new friends, go out and have good times, without expecting every guy you meet to fall in love with you, or even want to date you. Accept people for who they are, and just enjoy their company.

Take dance classes, join a club, take a course, develop friendships with the kind of women who love Jesus as much as you do, join a cell or department in church, or just about anything that you might be interested in, as long as it includes other people. Put yourself in a situation that's going to enable you to meet people with similar interests, and at the very least you'll make some new friends. Don't do these things with the sole intention of finding someone to fall in love with, instead use it as an opportunity to build yourself up, have some fun and make new friends. Most importantly, serve God with everything in you. Give God your undivided attention, your very best. Eventually, you'll meet that someone special.

If you've had painful experiences with men in the past, have it in mind that bad dates make for good stories. Don’t let every douche canoe who’s used you or strung you along, ruin it for the rest of them. Never take your relationship baggage out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Most importantly, don’t let all of the past disappointments from men make you jaded and bitter. You are never as broken as you think you are. Sure, you have a couple of scars and a couple of bad memories, but then again, all great heroes do.

Dating blows and it will continue to blow, probably for a while. But know that somewhere, there’s a perfectly nice/funny/cute person experiencing the same things as you. One day you will awkwardly bump into each other, mumble an apology, then love will dropkick you in the face and you’ll spend the rest of your days in relationship bliss laughing about all of the frogs you both had to kiss before finding your match.

Right now God is looking at you saying, “I'm saving this woman for someone special.” He is preparing you, molding you to be that special beautiful woman, having in mind that unique man for you. When you are ready, God will present you to the man he is also preparing. Trust in God’s perfect timing, and in the meantime have some fun and enjoy being God's own child. Be excited when yet another friend gets engaged or married. Try not to judge when couples sit on the same side of the booth. Be happy.

Travel, study, explore, make silly music videos, watch the sun set, stay up late talking with the girls, ask questions, take risks, take pictures, go swimming, read good books, study the word of God, go to the movies by yourself, encourage others, inspire others, love others, grow out your hair, cut your hair, look good, plan another road trip, try to get on a reality TV show, actually start writing a short story, a book, SOMETHING, don't be scared, laugh, learn and love.

This time of "singledom" is a very special time indeed. You have the rest of your life to hold someone's hands, to kiss his lips, to split a foot-long sub from Subway with him, to talk during movies, to swap backrubs, to fall asleep on his shoulder, to laugh together and to love each other, to raise kids together.

When that time comes, you’ll hardly remember the occasional pain of being single. And remember, the longer you wait for something, the better it will be. You still have a bright future ahead of you, so don’t waste your time pining for what will be one day. It will happen. It happens sooner for some, and for some, later.

Don’t waste your emotions on the men you so easily crush on. Most importantly, stay away from men with girlfriends. Seriously, run the other way as if zombies were chasing you. Realize when you like a man for the wrong reasons, whether it’s because of physical attraction or merely because he makes you laugh or takes you out on nice dates. Realize also when a man's just not that into you and bow out gracefully. Don’t make excuses for him. He can promise you forever, but he doesn't even know what tomorrow holds. He isn't in love with you, he's just after the pleasures he can get from you. Do the right thing and cut him loose.

Instead, focus your attention on God, other people and opportunities to be had. God always has better! If you're confident about what you've got to offer, then you should be wise enough to set high standards and choose wisely who you'd be offering your best to. No man can drive you crazy unless you give him your keys.

Please do not rush into marriage. Don't marry anyone who feels like he's doing you a favour by getting married to you. If a man feels you are unworthy of him, lose him and let him go. Don't be afraid of losing anyone who doesn't feel lucky to have you. Don't beg any man to love you, and please don't claim God told you that's your spouse: God values you and he expects your spouse to do the same. Be wise!

Anyone who marries you without valuing you would never esteem you, and you would be miserable. Marry the one who considers you a blessing and a positive addition to his life. Like I always say, view yourself as valuable, as unique, as top class and carry yourself that way. Stop settling for just anybody. God would send you a spouse to match your worth. No one is you and that is your power. Be in love with you, be in love with being single!

Your life is your message to the world, make sure it's inspiring.